


Live Again

by Loki_Anansi



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Blood and Injury, Bucky Barnes's Trigger Words, Canon-Typical Violence, Childhood Trauma, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hydra (Marvel), Mentor/Protégé, Platonic Female/Male Relationships, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Red Room (Marvel), Sharing a Brain, first kill
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-17
Updated: 2019-09-09
Packaged: 2020-05-13 13:49:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19252465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loki_Anansi/pseuds/Loki_Anansi
Summary: While teaching in the Red Room, Bucky breaks from Hydra's control when he meets kid NatashaHe kidnaps her and they travel the world, trying to stay ahead of Hydra and the Red Room.Along the journey, Bucky teaches Nat all that he can in order for her to survive





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired once again from the Richard Siken bot on Twitter  
> Here's the prompt:  
> Names of poisons, names of  
> handguns, names of places we’ve been  
> together, names of people we’d be together

The Soldier does as he is told. He never disobeys his handlers, no matter the Orders.

 

This time he is sent in to teach ( **Break/Train/Remake into perfect soldiers** ) little girls. They are small, is the first thing the Soldier notices, weak and breakable. How is he going to make them soldiers if they break so easily?

 

The children are lined up in front of him, in ballerina clothing and tight buns. They stand in line, eyes forward, backs straight. He is the only armed adult in the room, the children guided in with a tall strict woman. The Soldier walks down the line, eyes tracking the shivering of the children. The room is cold, cold enough for even him to notice.

 

Nothing can be changed, they must learn to survive in the cold.

 

As he reaches the end of the line, Soldier looks down and everything in him freezes at the sight of spilled blood.

 

Hair. It is only the child’s hair, out of a bun and spilling down to her chin. It is the color of blood, the kind that can only achieve that tone in large amounts, stark against the snow, against the floor. To the Soldier, it is a color that he feels at home in.

 

The child stiffens when she notices the Soldier stop in front of her. She does not tremble like the others, body still and head down. She is much smaller than the other children in line.

 

The tall woman speaks when she sees the Soldier stop, answering the silent question that is being asked. “That right there is Natasha. Youngest Black Window being trained. But she is known to be disobedient, something that we are working to cure.” Natasha flinches at this, making the Soldier feel murderous at that moment. “Natasha, raise your head. _Raise it_!”

The yelled command causes Natasha to snap her head up to meet the Soldier’s stare. She bares her teeth at him, red strands of her hair swaying around her by the force of her motion. Natasha does not flinch as she meets the Soldier’s dead eyes, only bares her teeth wider and hardens her stare.

 

Soldier stills once more before turning and walking back down the line, his lips pull into a barely seen smirk as he instructs the cold children into a training exercise.

 

‘Little Red Wolf. She’ll survive.’


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky wonders what the hell he is doing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please feel free to comment down below
> 
> And let me know of any typos or errors, please!

**3 months later:**

“Again.”

 

A ballerina gracefully flips into the air, twisting as knives are thrown at her. She is nicked on her leg and collides onto the floor with a painful thud.

 

“Again. Try again.”

 

Natasha huffs, blowing her hair out of her face as she jumps to her feet, the nicks, and cuts on her body stinging with all her movements. She steadies herself and jumps into the air. She flips but as she turns Natasha twists a moment too late. A knife slams into her side and a piercing scream falls from her lips. She lets herself fall, a second later she is being caught by Winter. His arms secure her against him as he sets himself down on the floor.

 

Winter looks Little Wolf over, putting pressure on the stab wound as he lets Natasha control her breathing. Natasha huffs and wheezes before stabilizing, putting her head on his shoulder and setting her mouth onto the material of his shirt. Not wasting a second, Winter pulls the blade out and places his hands over the wound, waiting for her super healing to close the bleeding wound. 

 

Natasha bites down onto his shirt and lets the sobs and screams fall out of her mouth. She didn’t want the Red Room to hear her cry. They could have her screams, but never will she allow them her tears.

 

Minutes pass as she feels the wound close, the stress and pain making her limply lay her head on Winter’s neck.

 

Winter. It is only recently that she gave him that name. She was tired of calling him Soldier, so she used the first part of the title the Red Room gave him. It was much better in her mind.

 

**Flashback**

_ She broke her ankle during training. She twisted and fell wrong after recovering from a move that another Widow gave her. She howled as she felt her ankle snap. Soldier immediately came over from his corner of the room and gave orders to the other Widows. _

 

_ “Return to your dorms. Come back in 2 hours. Do not be late.” _

 

_ The Widows scattered out of the training room, paying no mind to the broken girl on the floor. Once the room was empty save for Soldier and the whimpering wolf, he went to her side and inspected the injury. _

 

_ The ankle was broken through, pulled from its socket. It had to be pushed back and held until it healed. _

 

_ He took a look at Little Wolf and found her trying to muffle her sobs. Her red curls were stuck to her face by her sweat and tears. Her body was trembling from the pain and she flinched every time she moved her broken ankle. _

 

_ The soldier moved and placed her on his lap, Natasha struggling before settling down. He maneuvered her head to his neck and wrapped his hand around her ankle and kept the other hand over her curls. “When I say 3, bite down as hard as you can. Do you understand?” Her quick nod has the Soldier ready himself as he starts to count. _

 

_ 1 _

_ 2 _

_ 3 _

_ SNAP _

_ Blood drips down from his neck as Natasha muffles her screaming and tears into the bite. A few whimpers escape as he puts pressure onto the ankle. The Soldier does not flinch, the pain nothing compared to what he felt before. _

_ ( _ **_Straps keep him down. He struggles as they prepare the machine. He doesn’t want to forget, the pain as they rearrange his mind. They slice into him and take away everything that is him. He doesn’t want to forget. Please don’t let him forget. Please Please PleasePleasePleas-_ ** Orders ** _?_** _ ) _

 

_ Minutes pass as the ankle heals itself and Natasha lets go of his neck. She’s not crying anymore, the ankle feels numb but no pain. She’s quiet for a moment as the Soldier lets go of her ankle. “Can I call you Winter?” _

 

_ She feels his confusion so Natasha explains further, “The Red Room calls you The Winter Soldier. Soldier is a boring name, can I call you Winter instead?” _

 

_ Natasha feels him still before Winter answers her. “You may. Only when we are alone. Do not let anyone hear you call me that name.” _

 

_ Winter looks down at her and his breathing stops in his chest as he sees her smile for the first time. It's a tiny rusty thing like she has never smiled before and the expression is awkward to perform.   _

 

_ Winter knows that he will protect her from that moment on. _

 

**Flashback Ends**

 

“Little Wolf, the wound is healed now. Let’s get you to your dorm.”

 

His words break her out of the past, they register after a moment and Natasha starts to panic. Winter pauses in getting up as he feels her heartbeat accelerate. “What is wrong?”

 

Natasha takes a deep breath before whispering out the words that could get her killed. 

 

“Take me away from here Winter. Take me away from this place.”

 

The room stills as Winter takes in her words. No. He cannot do this. They will kill her and make him forget. A jittering feeling fills Winter as he turns his head to look down at her. She’s staring back up at him, scared eyes wide. She’s so small still, the youngest of the Widows with the smallest body. Her hair reaches her neck, a length she is not allowed to surpass. Cuts and burns cover her body and her uniform is a size too large for her figure. Everything about her makes him want to protect her and kill any who hurt her.

 

She seems to see the hesitation in his eyes as she starts to plead. “Please? I can only trust you. Get us away from here and let’s runaway. You are a ghost, they will never find us. Train me. Please train me.” A sob is caught in her throat. “Don’t leave me here Winter. Don’t let them break me.”

 

A final sob before a pain fills Winter’s head, it makes him double over, catching Natasha in between. She starts to worry, running her hands around him in an effort to find what’s hurting him. Her pleads fill his head as something seems to want to break out from the back of his mind.

 

It hurts so much, a pain to rival that of the mind erases. Winter grips his head in his hands, biting down on his lips to muffle his screams. The pain intensifies as the pressure in his head grows. It grows, (something is breaking out) and grows (some **one is breaking out** )  before Winter passes out.

  
  


**One Hour Later**

 

Bucky ( **Soldier- always a Soldier now** ) gasps awake. Eyes darting around a dark room. He doesn’t understand where he is. This isn’t the train he was on? Where is Stev-

 

A stabbing pain strikes through his brain and in the aftermath, all of his memories resurface. Bucky shuts down, tears escaping as he tries to process what was done to him, what he did to those people. He murdered them and Hydra changed him, created the Soldier and violated him. 

 

He wants to hide from the world, he doesn’t want to fight anymore.

 

He wants to live.

 

As more tears spill from his eyes and dripped down his face, Bucky starts to realize that someone is in the room with him. They are touching him, and the only reason he doesn’t instinctively hurt them is that he recognizes who they are. It’s Little Wolf, running her hands through his hair and humming under her breath. The motion and the melody soothe him and calm his mind.

 

“Winter, what happened? Are you ok? Is it because of what I did? I won’t ask again if it hurts you, I swear I won’t.”

 

He takes a moment before responding, tired to the fucking bone already but knowing that things are just beginning. “You did nothing wrong, Natasha. My mind was fixing itself.” Bucky breathes through his nose as he continues on, “we will escape. You and I are leaving this jail. Right now.” Bucky doesn’t give Natasha a moment to respond, pushing himself up and walking towards the door. He stops when he doesn’t hear Natasha following him. He goes to turn when a small weight is thrown at his leg. He looks down and sees her blood curls over his leg, Natasha is hugging his leg and mumbling thank you over and over again. The sight breaks his already torn heart as he pushes her away to crouch down to her. He looks at her straight in the eyes as he collects her hair in his hands, pulling it into a tight bun. “We are on a mission now. Escape from this place without detection. You must follow my lead and do not stray. One mistake can get us killed. Do you understand Natasha?” He pulls her close to muffle the hurt the next words will cause, “I want you to be a Widow now. Until I tell you otherwise, understood?” 

 

Bucky feels her flinch at his words before she straightens up with understanding eyes and a blank face. “Understood Soldier.”

 

Right. Soldier. Bucky has to be the Soldier right now, he can figure out who he is after they get to safety. He straightens up from his crouch and focuses on his escape plan. He opens the door of the training room, reaches into his uniform for his gun and unclicks the safety. 

 

The Soldier walks out of the dark room with his shadow right beside him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second Chapter!!!
> 
> Let's see if we can get to the end.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lilac and pierogi 
> 
> Bucky and Natasha are in a small town in Poland, 5 years after they escaped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooooo,  
> There is gonna be some triggers in the upcoming chapters, at least that's what I have planned.
> 
> PLEASE PLEASE read the notes in the beginning for any warnings.

**5 Years Later:**

 

They haven’t stopped running for 5 years now. They move from place to place in a matter of weeks. Days if Bucky feels like They are gaining on his and Natasha’s trail. It is frustrating and terrifying in both measures.

 

Frustrating that Bucky can’t find a place long enough for Natasha to settle down and breathe. Terrifying that with every location picked, Hydra and the Red Room will find them in a matter of days, making for some very close calls when escaping. The only thing keeping Bucky from saying ‘fuck it’ and turning back to burn down Hydra was Little Wolf. There was always the chance that Bucky could be recaptured and Natasha would be taken back to the Red Room.

 

The thought of her back there filled Bucky with fury and made him almost sick with anxiety.

 

She wasn’t ready to be on her own. Not yet.

 

A small hand tightly gripping his took Bucky from his thoughts. He glances down and his view is filled with Little Wolf’s smiling face. Her hair was braided and swept over her shoulder, the color still blood red because he couldn’t stand to dye it, the liability be damned. Her face was cleaned up and cheeks a rosy pink from the cold wind.

 

He didn’t even notice her enter the room. Bucky wonders if he should feel pride at her skill, or anxiety that one day he might not be able to keep track of her.

 

“ _Bucky? When can we eat?”_

 

“ _Soon Little Wolf, let me pack up our supplies. Where did you run off to?_ ”

 

The silence that went on a second too long made Bucky look up from the supplies. He stared as Natasha tried to hide where she went, body slightly shifting back and forth as she tried to lie. He let her finish before calling out her bullshit.

 

“ _Liar. Don’t let the silence linger for too long, and keep your hands from moving around too much. Let your body relax as you speak.”_ Natasha fixes her mistakes as she repeats her lie. Bucky nods at the approvement he sees. He closes their packs and puts them at the entrance of the room, passing Natasha and smelling lilac. Lilac. Of course, that's where Little Wolf ran off to.

 

Bucky grabs her hand and lightly leads her to one of the beds. He sits her down before kneeling in front of her, wrapping his hands around hers. Bucky looks up at her, eyes tracking the stray red hair that unravels from her braid. He gazes into her eyes and notices the slight fear in them.

  


Bucky wonders if he was the one who put the fear into her eyes or if it was Them.

 

“ _Little Wolf, you cannot break cover,”_ Natasha tries to take her hands away but Bucky keeps his hold on her, stares her dead in the eyes as he repeats his command. ( **not Order, not for this situation)** . “ _Little Wolf, you cannot break cover. This is for your protection and for everyone around us. Breaking your persona means They will learn of us and then we go straight back to running for survival._ ” Natasha is silent for a moment, head drawn to the side as she looks at the window, watching the snow fall. Her lips tremble as she corrects Bucky.

 

“Us. This facade is worn to protect us. Never forget that it’s us against the world Bucky, you have to remember that!” Natasha ends her emotional statement by throwing herself into Bucky’s arms. Bucky doesn’t reprimand her from converting back to Russian, too busy wrapping his mind around what she said. Us against the world, **Us against the World.** It’s similar to what Steve used to say, similar enough that his mind automatically tries to find the memory of what Steve said, but the pain stops him from reaching too far. Natasha needs him right now, not Steve, Little Wolf needs him.

 

Bucky wraps his arms around her and starts to hum their tune. It’s what soothes them, when the other hums the haunting melody. It is something that the brain remembers before you do, and the best part? It’s theirs. Natasha starts to sing along and Bucky sways them, pushing his face into her hair in an effort to calm himself down from the conversation. Lilac tickles his nose and Bucky remembers why he reprimanded her. His arms secure her as Bucky realizes that he has to keep at her side if he wants her to follow his command. He sighs as he goes to pull away, but a knock at the door freezes him.

 

Everything stops.

 

In the second that the Soldier and Natasha lock eyes, they already have an escape plan: **Natasha heads towards the window as the Soldier soundlessly turns around and picks up the supplies. Right before he opens the door, he turns around and simultaneously throws the packs at Natasha as she jumps out the open window and pulls out a silenced gun. The plan achieves the two most important objectives; Natasha has the running start and supplies to last her a few months on the run.**

 

A second knock and a tired voice through the door breaks them out of their survival mode. “ _Hello? Enyo? Are you there Enyo, or am I knocking on the wrong door again?”_

 

As he calms his racing heartbeat, Bucky shoots a glare at Natasha as she tries to get to the door before he does. The glare has her blowing out a breath and jumping onto the bed nearest to her. Bucky straightens up from his crouch and moves along to the door. He takes a breath before cutting off the knock that starts up again and slowly opens the door.

 

“ _Oh! Forgive me, mister, I was wondering if this was Enyo’s room but it seems that I was wrong again. Sorry for the noise and the disturbance,  I swear I’m not this annoying out of pregnancy.”_ The pregnant woman takes a breath, taking a second before she starts babbling once more. Bucky cuts her off before he can hear any more, nerves still frayed after he let the Soldier take over. He steadied himself before fully opening the door, persona effortlessly pulling into the surface.

 

_“Forgive us miss, my daughter seems to have gone deaf. I had to come from the back in order to answer the door myself. Forgive me, miss?”_

 

_“Blaise, I go by Blaise. And it is fine mister. I came to give Enyo some food, she seems to like my pierogi. I-I don’t mean to presume that you cannot feed her! I just, I had some cravings and made more than I should eat.”_

 

The nervous rambling almost made Bucky smile. And the long red hair, enough of the same color that Little Wolf had, wrapped into a messy bun made him almost fully relaxed. As Blaise propped up the dish filled with pierogi, one hand wrapped around her swollen stomach and the other firmly under the dish, Bucky lowered his guard enough to take the pan from her, taking a second to make sure the glove on his left hand was still on. The calming scent of lilac tickles his nose and has Bucky fully settle down. As he goes to thank her, a flash of red on his right makes him pause. Natasha appears to have forgotten his command and bounces up to Blaise, who instantly wraps her arms around her tiny shoulders. 

 

_“Skarbek! With the way you’re squeezing me so tight, it’s like I haven’t seen you just hours ago!”_

 

Natasha shyly giggled and the noise made something in Bucky ache. He had never heard his Little Wolf sound so child-like before, so innocent. And the cause was this woman, this Blaise who is already a mother, and she looks so much like Natasha that she could be hers. Bucky wondered how many times he has to hurt Natasha during their journey, if she’ll ever forgive him for taking her away from what could have become her family. Because Bucky can’t lie to himself, they don’t have long here, they’ve stayed far too long as it is.

 

He hates that he can’t stop hurting the people he loves.

 

Instead of dwelling on the inevitable, Bucky turns to put down the dish, but a small hand gripping his makes him sigh and turn back to the girls. Natasha has her stare ready, trained on him and states “ _Papa, we should go to Blaise’s and eat her pierogi. She gets more company for the baby and less stress too. Right, Papa?”_ Her persuasive skills were improving, he’ll give her that. Not a single waver in her voice, the right amount of confusion for the question and the tilt of her head made her seem puzzled. It’s exceptional and he didn’t even have to teach her.

 

Before he could respond, Blaise seems to grow flustered and puts her hands to stop Bucky from answering. “ _No, no. It is fine sir. I don’t want to be a bother. ( ). Why don’t you and Skarbek enjoy the food and I’ll be on my way.”_ She turns to walk down the hallway, hands wrapped around her stomach and shoulders hunched, looking even more tired than she seemed at the door. Before Bucky can help himself, he takes a step and calls out to her.

 

“ _Andrus.”_

 

“ _What?”_ The name makes her pause, body half turned to face Bucky’s direction. In her confusion, she lets her hands fall to her side. Bucky takes another step, Natasha, right at his heels, and takes her hand. He pulled her closer and she allows the movement. This close to her, the scent of lilac intensifies, filling the air all around him. Blaise is searching his face, looking for an answer that Bucky won’t reveal. 

 

Bucky wants his Little Wolf to have at least some happy memories, so letting them spend some moments with a woman who could be her mother in another life is the least he can do.

 

Inviting himself along is something that doesn’t need to be done. But Bucky is selfish enough to want to be in Natasha’s happy memories. Just this once.

 

He lets a smile touch his face, knowing the effect it has on others. Blaise blush spreads across her face, making it as red as her hair and making her freckles stand out. Bucky speaks before she can gather her bearings.

 

“ _My name is Andrus, and it would be a pleasure to spend some time with you. Natasha would love your company and it would be nice to have a home cooked meal every now and then.”_

 

Blaise was in a daze by the end of Bucky’s charms, so much so that she missed Bucky's slip of Nat's name and it took Natasha holding onto her other hand to break out of it. “ _Oh! yes, Andrus, that’s a very nice name. Follow, follow me then, and leave the pierogi, I have plenty more back home.”_  Blaise quickly turns back around and walks down the hallway, ears pinked and hands on her face to cover the blush. Natasha watched her go before looking at Bucky.

 

“I thought you didn’t like her?” Quietly spoken Russian makes him look down at Natasha who’s confusion is seen clearly in her eyes. He responds back before she can get the wrong idea. “ I don’t necessarily like her. But you do, and I know you want to spend some time with Blaise before we leave.” Natasha smiles that fragile smile that never fails to make Bucky lose his breath. She grabs his hand and links their fingers together, humming as she starts to swing them. Natasha is the one to pull him along as a recovered Blaise calls out for them to hurry.

 

Gods, Bucky wishes he would never forget this happiness. ( **It Hurts It Hurts, don’t let me forget Don’t let me Forget Pleasepleasepleaseplea-...** _Silence_ **)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no one so far to beta, so if you see anything wrong, any errors or typos, let me know.
> 
> Also, Blaise, and the names I gave Bucky and Natasha for their personas:
> 
> Blaise comes from a Christian martyr  
> Andrus is the Estonian word for Warrior  
> Enyo is the Greek version of the Roman Latin goddess of war Bellona. Who is depicted by Ares' side as a mother, sister or companion
> 
> Those are the meanings of the names I gave them. And Blaise, an OC that I made for this fic. She is very important for Natasha and her growth. There will be no romance between her and Bucky.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here I am, adding a chapter after a long ass wait
> 
> And I gotta say: Im feeling really guilty about putting this off for so long. But I couldn’t seem to write anything that I wanted to put out.
> 
> When speaking, the words in italics are Polish when another character other than Bucky or Nat is around. When it's just the two of them, it switches to Russian. And of course, no italics means English

**10 minutes after:**

 

The scent of _Gołąbki,_ Pierogi and the sound of forks scraping against the plate fills the air. It wraps around him and makes Bucky feel at ease. It’s been so long since he had a home cooked meal, so long since he could sit down and just forget for a moment his worries. Bucky scooped up some rolls, humming in contentment when the flavor hits his tongue. As he savored, a giggle caught his attention, Blaise was smiling at him with Natasha giggling behind fingers covered in tomato sauce.

 

The sight makes something in Bucky lighten. They looked like a family sharing a meal together, the outside world forgotten in favor of a moment of happiness at the dinner table. It made Bucky want to pretend for a little longer, pretend that he was a normal man with a normal family and not some fucked up killer who can’t control his own actions. He shouldn’t be dragging Natasha from place to place, never really giving her a moment to settle and live. She deserved more.

 

_Natasha will always deserve more than what Bucky can give her._

 

The thought sullies the taste of food but Bucky mechanically continues to eat ( **you must never waste anything that can give you the strength for later),** putting down his fork without finishing the food might alert Blaise that something was wrong. 

 

“ _Andrus, how are you liking the meal so far? I think I was a little too zealous with the sauce.”_ Her hands flutter around her, moving her spoon through the sauce and tilting the rolls, then coming up to rub her stomach. Her hair seems to have fallen all the way down, creating waves of red down her shoulders. Bucky goes to praise her cooking, it really did taste amazing and the sauce was great, but then Natasha piped up.

 

“ _Blaise, can I go say hi to the baby? I’m done with my food.”_ She lifts up her plate as if to show she’s telling the truth. And she did, the plate is completely cleared off, some sauce still dripping down.

 

Blaise gives her permission, telling her, “ _go in quietly, just in case he’s sleeping my_ _kotek,”_ as Bucky feels his mind run to a halt. There was a baby. There is a baby in the apartment that a killer is in. A killer who might lead Hydra and the Red Room to them. Heart taking residence in his throat, Bucky turns his head to Blaise and croaks out his question.

 

“ _Baby? I did not realize you had another child with you.”_

 

Blaise seems to sit up straight before looking at Bucky with an unrecognizable emotion in her eyes. Like she was making sure he wasn’t asking out of scorn. She comes to a decision and answers him. “ _I have a year old boy. His name is Antoni, after his father._ ”

 

She notices the tremors in his hands and continues to speak, “ _he just turned a year old, had a little party with just him and me. Before you ask, his father is dead.”_

 

“ _Then your second’s child father is?”_

 

“ _A, fling that ended rather quickly. Why? Are you disgusted knowing that she wasn’t conceived during marriage? Because frankly, I don’t give a-”_

 

Bucky interrupts before the situation becomes worse, nerves getting the better of him, resulting in a harsher tone than he would’ve normally used. The thought of the baby still rattling him. “ _I meant no disrespect. I don’t mind that the baby doesn’t have a father around, just that, who helps you during the last months.”_ Bucky makes up a quick lie to explain his curiosity, “ _my wife you see, could barely walk around the house when she was in her last months with Little Wolf.  I-I was just worried if you had anyone to help.”_ He lets the sentence ring with an awkward finish, hoping that it was authentic enough for her not to notice.

 

Blaise’s eyes soften at the lie, hand coming up to touch her stomach as she felt the baby kick. Bucky was close enough to her to notice the baby’s indents against their mother’s stomach, noticeable with even the dress in the way. His nerves have calmed down during the conversation, but Blaise’s action created a lump in his throat. _What was he thinking?_ Bringing an innocent woman and her children into his nightmare, what the _fuck_ was he thinking when he let Nat get close to this woman, knowing they would soon leave and break her heart? Bucky was a fool. A God **damn fool**.

 

It was decided. ( **They would leave tonight** )

 

“ _Little Wolf? That’s an odd nickname for, Natasha I’m assuming?”_ The question makes Bucky curse himself at the slip, but he continues on, spinning a deeper web of lies with each word flowing out of his mouth. “ _It’s a nickname that I came up with. Her mother gave her the name Enyo, for her side of the family. I do not have much of a family history. So one day, I spent the entire day at my wife’s side and spoke against her stomach. And I-”_  

Here, he had to pause, the emotions of a memory rising inside him, threatening to pull him under. Bucky wasn’t entirely lying, a good lie is interwoven with a strand of truth. 

 

**Flashback**

 

Bucky remembered a time at his mother’s side, sisters piled all around him over his legs and stomach, lying across his chest. The pressure was there, weighing him down, but it didn’t matter since he was close enough to his mother to gently press his ear to her stomach. There he spent what felt like hours waiting for his new sister to kick, to actually feel her instead of hearing about it from others.

 

Time passed and she didn’t kick for him. Dejected he looked up at his mother, strands of black flickering over his eyes along with the movement. She smiled that tired smile that she always wore, no matter how many times Bucky made her take a nap. The smile turned fond when he looked at her and she at him. 

 

“Ma! She’s not kicking for me. Can you make her kick please? I wanna feel her.” Bucky ended it with a pout and made sure his eyes went super BIG. It was a sure fire way to get something he wanted. But his mother just laughed in that soft way that made him feel safe and ran her hand through his curly hair. He leaned his head to her and waited for her response. 

 

Ma never spoke until she wanted to. Forcing her would lead to silence on her part.

 

“My little Charmer, your sister is stubborn, just like your other sisters,” she ruffled his hair as she made her point, “and especially like you _ursulet_.” Before he could further pout, his mother gave him some advice. “Speak to her and maybe she will response.” So Bucky followed her advice and put his ear back onto her stomach.

 

He spent the next hour speaking about everything and anything: about his day at school to what he had for lunch, his favorite science fiction book that he read in the afternoon to rescuing Stevie (his new best friend who acted like a cat with a grudge every time he saw bullies) from a couple of bullies at the corner shop. An hour passes and he still doesn’t feel a kick from his sis. His ma shifts and Bucky realizes that he doesn’t have much time left before she gets up to go to work. Again.

 

( **_There’s a whisper in the back of Bucky’s mind that rages whenever he sees his exhausted mother work and care for him and his siblings all day long before she heads off to work during the night. It fills him with fury that overflows his small body, captures his mind and makes him sob until the fury drains, leaving him a hollow husk that worries his younger sisters and makes the older ones smile in sympathy._ **

 

**_They’ve felt this feeling before and now that he’s old enough to understand and notice, it takes hold of him and compels him to be better. To care for his siblings so his mother doesn’t have to, to earn money so that maybe one day she doesn’t have to work. To stay up to make sure she gets up when she needs to head to work._ **

 

**_But that’s impossible for his mother, who’s been working since she set foot in America and let her feet and soul carry her to New York. Her stubbornness, her resilience is what captured his bastard of a father's attention. It was her will, her strength and fury that made his father run before she struck him down for daring to harm her children._ **

 

**_His waste of a father left and his mother took up the mantle of their provider. And for the past 7 years she has been working day and night to make sure they are never left hungry._ **

**_She has weathered through 2 of her children dying from diseases she could do nothing against, wiping their foreheads and telling her daughters that she loved them. She held her third daughter in her arms as she slowly died from the beating her father gave her. And then, she gave birth to a baby that slept before she could take her first breath._ **

 

**_His mother would wail, sob and scream her fury at the world for daring to take her daughters before their time was up. But after the burial, after her eyes dried up and she was silent as a grave, she would pick herself up, surround herself with the rest of her children, kissing each and every one of their brows before going off to work._ **

**_Because the world has never stopped for her and she knows with her very soul that it will not stop now_ **

 

**_For the past 5 years, Bucky has been helping his tired will-driven mother and he wonders if he is going to be the one to put her in her grave before he can let her rest._ **

 

**_It makes something inside him bleed)_ **

  


Bucky starts to think hard about what he could say that could make his sister move for him. That’s it! Nicknames, his mother always calls his little sis nicknames and she kicks away. So he starts to rattle off names: baby, peanut, little one, Strawberry. None work, until he calls her Mircea and he finally felt his baby sister for the first time.

 

Buck wasn’t ashamed that he cried, especially since his mother wrapped him up in her arms to comfort him. Bucky was the big brother in a group of big sisters, he had to grow up and take care of his younger sisters and watch out for his older sisters and lean how to work for his family and all those other adult stuff and

_And_

_And_

_And…_

Bucky just wanted to be a kid again sometimes, to forget about the world and let himself fall asleep in his mother’s arms to the sound of her singing.

 

But the world is cruel and unjust, it takes more than it was ever given and lays waste to those who wish to stop at paradise.

 

And Bucky was the fool who thought he could ever step foot on paradise.

 

**Flashback Ends**

 

A touch to his hand brings Bucky back to the present. The memory had taken a hold of him and dragged Bucky under. The emotions rose to the surface and with it the tears and agony. He covers his eyes, trying to stay in control before he ruins anything else. “ _Andrus? Are you okay, forgive me for asking about the nickname, I’m sorry to have brought up some hurtful memories. Forgive me, why don’t we just head over to Enyo and Antonie who seems to have woken up?”_ She continues when he takes a moment to breathe. 

 

“ _Come on, a baby always has the ability to make someone happy. And it looks like you need some of that happiness Andrus.”_

 

Bucky lets her pull him up and lead him to the nursery, Blaise never letting go of his hand. The constant touch is a reminder of where he is and who he is now. If it wasn’t for Blaise, Bucky would have crumbled to the ground as he tried to rein in his emotions. But the short walk to the baby’s room and the sound of Little Wolf giggling was enough to calm him. Bucky stops Blaise short of entering the room, and she turns in a confused worry for him. It takes him a moment before Bucky is able to get the words out, “ _Thank you. For answering a fool's question though they were inappropriate and none of my business. And for helping me with my emotions._ _You’re a good person Blaise, I hope you know that.”_

 

His words seem to fluster her, causing her ears to turn a dull red as she swiftly turns back around to enter her son’s room. “ _Of course Andrus, anytime. And thank you for your kind words.”_  

 

Bucky takes a step forward and walks into a world full of innocence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always let me know if I misspelled anything or if nothing/anything doesn't make sense
> 
> Ursulet means Bear Cub in Romanian  
> Kotek means sweetie or darling in Polish, according to Wiki.  
> Gołąbki is a Polish dish, called Cabbage Rolls in english.
> 
> Please let me know if I messed up anything, especially the words in different languages.

**Author's Note:**

> This is definitely going to be a multi-chaptered fic
> 
> The first one I'm actually putting out. Let's see if I can get through this.
> 
> I already have a rough outline made for the story so that challenge is out of the way!!
> 
> Anyways, please feel free to comment below


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